This is a chapter from a book I wrote. It's a process of how to be comfortable showing your true self around people.
This second trap wants you to believe that you must act in a certain way to be accepted. You might be too afraid to show your true self. You might feel like you will never have reciprocal friendships. You might be dying to be seen for you who are but are too scared to show it. You might feel like you are the only one like you and no one can understand your nuances.
When you believe you must keep your true self hidden, it can feel like you must constantly wear a mask. You might wear different masks for different people. You may know your boss is markedly different from your brother. You might feel a need to be considerate around your boss and be sarcastic in front of your brother. Because of this, you might be excellent at matching the energy of other people. However, if you are wearing a mask with others, people do not see the real you. They see a reflection of themselves.
Because of the masks, you probably feel lonely. It’s natural that if you do not feel like you can be yourself, you would feel isolated. The masks make you invisible. Because of that, you may be dying to feel seen, but unsure how.
This trap can also make you feel unconnected. You are creating connections with the masks you wear. You likely cannot feel the connections because they are not with the real you. The connections stop as soon as you put the mask down. Believing that others won’t accept who you prevent healthy forms of intimacy.
This trap can stop you from feeling like you can relax around people because you are never certain of where you stand with them. You might feel like you are walking on eggshells and are afraid to upset them. You might feel drained after being around people for this reason. It can be exhausting constantly guessing which mask to wear with other people.
Having healthy and mutually reciprocal connections is not what Trap Two is about. There is too much support and love in these relationships for this trap to keep you down. It needs you to feel afraid of showing your true self. It needs you isolated and unconnected. Healthy support systems provide grace, acceptance, and a sense of being understood. They also provide a space to be unconditionally loved. That is the freedom of knowing how to put the mask down. Your flaws are seen, and you are loved regardless.
How can you understand yourself?
The challenge with breaking out of this trap is you don’t know who you are. You don’t fully understand yourself because you have been focused on matching other people’s energy. If you are a mystery to yourself then you may act in ways that will confuse others or not let them in. People see as much as you are comfortable sharing. If you can show different sides yourself, they will understand those parts. If you have no clue who you are, then it will show when you are around them.
What helps being seen by others is when you understand yourself. As you learn more about yourself, you must have the courage to share that with people. Some want to know who you are. If you block that, they cannot see the real you. Your real friends will love your true self. Your fake friends will fade from your life. Do you want people around who do not want you to be who you are? You get to test that as you learn how to share the real you.
Who are you?
Understanding your personality traits can help understand the different aspects of yourself. Merja Sumiloff recommends exercise in her 4 People WithinÒ work. These different sides of you can help you understand what you resonate with and what you do not. It describes how you may be different from others. How you are different from others is a great way to show who you are. People need to be different so they can shine as individuals. As you become clearer about your personality traits, other people will likely notice them. This is an important first step toward knowing who you are.
Below is a list of personality traits. Read the words in that list. Circle or write down seven to ten personality traits that resonate with you. Keep in mind this might change as you grow. Adopting new personality traits is a natural part of the growth process. Come back to this exercise every month as you establish who you are.
Look over your seven to ten words. How do those make you feel? This list creates a way for you to define yourself. You are not letting other people or personality tests say things about who you are. You are choosing them. You get to decide who you are, what feels right for you, and what does not.
Now that you have your list, write them down once a day. The morning is a great time because you can use these to ground yourself at the start of the day. With practice, you can recite them from memory. Keep coming back to your seven to ten personality traits. This can give you the power to not take on others’ opinions of who you are. You can stop adopting others’ perspectives and turn give that ownership back to yourself. You get to define who you are. Place that incredible power back in your hands. This helps bring ownership to yourself.
If you are not sure about the words that resonate with you, try them out. After two weeks of writing or saying them aloud every day, go back to the list and try this exercise again. Then keep those words and see how they fit for two weeks. Then come back to the word list. You may need several times of looking over to get the right fit for you. Or you may be someone who changes what they resonate with every few months. You cannot get this wrong. The only way to do this exercise incorrectly is by not doing it at all.
Getting clear on your values
After you are clear on your personality traits, the next step is to know your values. Values show why you resonate with certain things. Values are vital to understanding who you are because they are like the guidebook of your life. Once your values are well defined it will help understand why certain situations are not right. You can know why certain brands do and do not resonate with you.
Let’s say you value accountability. That means taking ownership of your mistakes is important to you. Because this is a priority, you likely want others to do the same. You want to be around people who are willing to say “I was a jerk last night. Going forward I’m going to be more direct, so this does not continue happening.” Being accountable is probably how you show others respect and you likely want that shown back to you. You may enjoy your friends who are accountable more because you know you prioritize that. Values can bring friends together because they view life similarly. You might realize a person is not interested in accountability and move on from that friendship. You get to decide who you have in your life. There is nothing wrong with having different values as someone. If their values are significantly different, it may explain the challenges you may have with that person.
Values add to a deeper level of who you are and what you stand for. As you break free from the traps some values may change and some may stay with you for the rest of your life. Now it’s to note what your values are. Below is a list of values. Look over the list. Circle or write down five values that you resonate most with. This exercise is also in Merja Sumiloff’s 4 People WithinÒ work.
Now that you have those five values, the next step is to ask yourself why those are important to you. This can help bring a deeper understanding of your relationship with the value. It can provide insights and anchor the value’s importance in your life. Write your answers down below.
Why is value #1 important? ____________________________________________________
Why is value #2 important? ____________________________________________________
Why is value #3 important? ____________________________________________________
Why is value #4 important? ____________________________________________________
Why is value #5 important? ____________________________________________________
Other questions that could help solidify your values are below:
· Did anything surprise you about learning about your values?
· If so, what was the insight?
· Is there anything you need to say no to that your values can help explain?
· Who are the two people you are closest to?
· What do you think five of their values are?
· Are any of those different from yours?
· Could this explain any differences between you?
Now that you know your personality traits and values, repetition is important to make sure you know them. Writing your personality traits daily is an important part of defining yourself. You are claiming who you are. You can own your values by reflecting on them often. Writing down your values once a month can help bring you back to yourself. They are a reminder of who you are at your core, without other people’s influences.
Owning your personality traits and values is a critical stepping stone to setting boundaries, asking for your needs to be met, and breaking away from other traps. It’s vital to live the life you want to live. If you are confused about who you are, many other traps will be challenging to break free from. I cannot stress the importance of breaking free of this first trap if you are stuck in it.
When others say things about you
If you do not know who you are, you might take what other people say personally. You may believe what they say about you. You might label yourself with what other people say about you. If you are agreeing with everything people say about you, then you are constantly changing because of everyone else. Being the same person would be very difficult because you are constantly changing.
Questioning what people say about you is possible when you feel like you do not know who you are. Someone might say something about you, and you are not sure if it is true. Going forward if you are not sure, try their personality trait on. See how it fits. If the label feels right and makes you feel good, then great. You can take that on. If it does not feel right, then you can decide to not take that trait.
A client was struggling with her partner whom she had been dating for years. She was frustrated with his criticism. She began allowing his words to define who she was. She came to me lost and unsure of who she was. She could not remember as her partner had stripped away her sense of self. We worked on owning the personality traits that felt right for her. Then we established her values. As she redefined herself, she began to remember who she was. She became stronger and self-assured. Just by understanding more about who she was, she stopped letting her partner’s criticism take to mean who she was as a person.
Embodying your personality traits and values can help filter what other people say about you. Sometimes what people say does not have to mean something bad about you. It may mean something is going on with them. You might get called lazy. It may be hurtful. However, just because it hurts does not mean that it is true. What people call you is up to you to decide if you want to be that or not. This is true for what you were called in your past as well. Who you are is determined by you, not others. You can take what people say as their opinions. Opinions are not facts. They do not define you unless you decide to take them on.
If someone labels you with something, check in with yourself. Does it align with your traits and values? If it is positive, have they picked up a quality that you have not seen yet? If it is negative, could it be them projecting?
Your traits and values are there to stop being misled by other people. You do not know if the person is having a hard time. Their traps could be tripping them up. You do not have to take on what others say about you if you do not want to. Remind the four parts of you who you are. The Ninth Trap will discuss this in more depth.
How can you show yourself to others?
Now that you know who you are, it’s important to understand how to open up to people. Understanding how to let the right people in is important for your growth. Trap Nine discusses how to trust people. It will teach you how to identify who might be a safe person to be your real self.
Remember to go slow as you show your real self. You are learning how. You will make mistakes, but that is part of the process. Pick one or two people who feel the best to be vulnerable with. Part of showing who you are is allowing your real self to be seen. This can be frightening for certain parts of you. Those parts may have learned that it’s safe to stay hidden.
There will be some people who are not comfortable seeing the real you. That does not mean anything about you, it means something about them. It’s also a privilege for you to show your true self to others. People get to earn that. It’s up to you to decide who gets that gift. But go slowly here. Too much too soon can leave your inner children wounded.
Below are examples of how you can practice taking off your mask with others.
· I learned something interesting about myself. Would you have time to listen?
· I’m learning about personality traits and values. Can I share mine with you? I would love to know what your values are.
· Recently I discovered that I value loyalty and wisdom with myself and others. Thank you for having those values. I appreciate those aspects about you.
How to soothe the parts of you
As you begin to show your real self, parts of you may want to stay invisible. That may be their safe space. They may want to stay behind the curtains. They might believe that being seen will be dangerous. If you see yourself fighting with parts of you, remember to be kind to yourself. Sitting at a table and having a conversation with the four parts can be helpful. Which of the four parts is having a hard time? What do they need?
Knowing what to do if someone is a jerk to you can be comforting. If someone is not nice as you show your real self, soothe the part that is triggered. Then you can either say something directly and respectfully to them. Or the part may need to not be your real self around that person anymore. Ask the triggered part what it needs. It may need to be protected when you are around that person going forward. More information on how to soothe the four parts will be covered in the fourth trap.
Not everyone has been accepting of me as I have shown different elements of who I am. I’ve had rude things said to me. I’ve been laughed at when I said how I help people. I have had people try to discourage me. Others do not know how to play when my inner children want to play. I have learned how to find the right people for what I want to do. When I want to be silly, I know the right people to call. When I need business advice, I know who to talk to. Not everyone gets to see all the precious and tender sides. It is up to my Adult Self and Inner Parent to protect my inner children from getting abused. As those two parts are protective of my inner children, they can relax. They can enjoy being themselves and the freedom that comes with that.
After you are free from this trap
As you understand who you are with your personality traits and values, you will become more settled. You will be swayed less by others. You will be able to say yes and no easier. You will feel like you can come out of your shell more. You can answer the question “who am I?”. You understand what you stand for. You will know when people are saying incorrect opinions about you. You will have less confusion in your life. You will feel comfortable showing yourself to the world.
You must know who you are so your true self can shine. You need to feel confident in who you are to allow others to see you. The more you understand yourself, the more others will be able to do so as well. You will be more connected, therefore less lonely. You will feel seen. You know the right people will love and accept you for who you are.
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