top of page
Search
Writer's pictureAmelia Harshfield

How to stop having anxiety - know you always have options for INFJs and INFPs

This is a chapter from a book I wrote. It is essentially a process of how to stop having anxiety. All you need to do is keep going through this process and you'll overcome it.



Having no control over anxiety is maddening. You may be constantly guessing when it will take over and paralyze you from thinking rationally. You may second guess yourself. Anxiety can make you feel like you cannot trust your thoughts. You might find yourself pulled in two different directions yet unsure which is the right path. Anxiety is incredibly frustrating because of how challenging it is to think clearly.

 

You may find your thoughts racing. You may be scattered and not see the way out. You may feel like you are crazy. You may turn to medication to help but find little relief. Your anxiety may affect your career or your ability to study. It may affect your romantic relationships. You may feel completely at the mercy of anxiety. Anxiety can be debilitating because it can be so hard to get out of it.

 

According to the American Psychological Association, anxiety is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness, or rapid heartbeat.”

 

The American Psychological Association’s definition means anxiety is determined by a feeling. The feeling then manifests as racing thoughts and physical symptoms. Now, if you can stop the feeling then the symptoms can disappear. Remember feelings are not permanent. You can change how you feel, then you can react differently.

 

If you do not know how to ease anxiety, you may feel hopeless and out of control. You may believe you have no power over it. You may turn to alcohol, drugs, and food to try to soothe yourself. However, these are band-aid solutions to a deeper problem. Freedom from anxiety will likely come when the feeling is effectively soothed. It’s not true that you must be riddled with anxiety for the rest of your life. As you change how you relate to it, you can change how it affects you.

 

Recently, a client came to me because she had massive anxiety. It would affect her body temperature, her bowls, and disrupt her day. Anxiety would debilitate her when she was in tight spaces, wearing snug-fitting pants, or in an elevator. She had been on medication for anxiety for over 20 years and came to me to see if there was anything I could do to help her with the anxiety.

 

My client felt out of control and like she didn’t have any options with her anxiety. She felt trapped and didn’t know how to break out of the enclosed feeling. The feeling of tight spaces brought up the idea that she didn’t have any options. She kept getting pulled back to a memory during childhood where she felt pinned down. I asked if she thought thinking of her options when she was feeling out of control would help. She replied a definite ‘yes’. I realized that she did not have an issue with anxiety, but a problem with believing that she had no options.

 

It makes sense that if she was feeling trapped, she would get anxious. Anxiety was not her problem, something was going on underneath. As she worked to identify her options, she stopped getting transported back into her childhood. She remembered that she did have options even if she felt like she did not. Remembering what she could do rather than where she was stuck transformed her struggles.

 

Stress and the body’s design

The human body was not designed for computers, cell phones, and modern-day cities. The body was designed for hunting and gathering. That means walking long distances with regular movement throughout the day. The human body was also made to respond to threats of predators. The fight or flight response is responsible for keeping your ancestors from being eaten.

 

You probably do not have to worry about being prey for a larger animal now. However, the human body has not changed as quickly as society has. When you trigger your fight or flight response, your body is thinking it’s time to run so you can stay alive. Instead of animals that might eat you, you have different stressors. You are stressed by things like traffic, your internet not working, running late to work, and getting no response to your text messages. However, your body is still registering your stress as a fight-or-flight response. It cannot tell the difference between running for your life or being scared that someone is not going to respond.

 

The body was also not designed to be stressed so often. If you grew up in an unpredictable household, you may have learned that life is always stressful. You might believe that it’s normal to be regularly stressed. That can put you into a constant state of the fight-or-flight response. This means your body is regularly in an overdrive state. Overdrive will wear your body down because it is not meant to be in this state habitually.

 

Breathing related to the body

Changing your breath can alter how your body is reacting. Your breath is linked to what is going on inside you. When you are stressed, your body must follow. Your body might tense up. You might clench your teeth. Your breath might quicken.

 

Much like how your body responds to how you are feeling, you can change your body’s stress by focusing on your breath. Let’s do a quick experiment if you can. Try breathing in and out quickly ten times. How does your body respond to that exercise? If you were not sure, try it again. Your shoulders may have raised toward your ears. You may have felt tight in your gut. Your heart might be beating faster. Quick breathing is a message to your body that it may need to become stressed.

 

By changing how you breathe, your body can slow down. With that change, your body can relax more. By tapping into the power of your breath, you are harnessing some power over anxiety. This is a massive step if you have been feeling out of control with anxiety or your emotions.

 

Snake Breathing

Snake Breathing can help your body calm down when you are anxious. The goal is to get air into the bottom parts of your lungs. As air fills your lungs, it sends a message to your body that you can relax. This is a way to communicate that it’s time to calm down. It can remove the fear of whatever consequences you are facing. That there is no need to get into fight or flight right now. This kind of breathing is a deep breathing method.

 

The Snake Breathing Exercise is a form of calming your body down. Your feelings might be saying otherwise. You might be stressed and anxious. If you can remember this exercise, you may be able to override your emotions.

 

The Snake Breathing Exercise

  • First, imagine a snake that represents your anxiety. What color(s) is it? How big is your anxiety snake? What are its markings? What color are its eyes? How old is the snake? Does it have any unusual markings? 

·      Take five to ten deep breaths. Push air to the bottom of your lungs during these breaths.

  • Next, take a long breath in and imagine the anxiety snake slithering up your torso.

  • As you breathe out, imagine pushing the snake out of your mouth. With the same breath watch it glide away from you and dissolve.

  • Take deep breaths with these steps with the snake.

  • Repeat these last two steps five times.

 

The Snake Breathing Exercise Expanded

As you get comfortable with the Snake Breathing Exercise. There is an option to take it a step further. This option is below.

·      Take five to ten deep breaths. Push air to the bottom of your lungs during these breaths.

  • Now, breathe out while you count to 6. Then inhale to a count of 4. Repeat this five to ten times. Exhaling longer than you inhale is another method to calm the body down.  

  • While inhaling to a count of 4, imagine your anxiety snake coming up your core.

  • As you exhale to a count of 6, push the snake out of your mouth and watch it slither away and dissolve.

  • Repeat the inhale and exhale cycle ten times.

  • You can install a reminder on your phone or computer to perform this technique as often as you need.

  • Remember you do have power over anxiety. With this exercise, you can watch it slither out of your site.

 

Exercise. Write your answers down:

  • How are you feeling after you have done the exercise?

  • Is there something different you will do next time?

  • If you tried both versions of the breathing exercise, did you notice a difference?

  1. If so, what was that?

  • Would this be important to repeat?

  1. If so, how often?

  2. What do you need to make that happen, like a reminder in your calendar?

  • When you are feeling anxious, can you relate that anxious feeling to the snake waking up in your body?

 

Are emotions wrong to feel?

The term “negative emotions” is said by many people, including therapists and self-help gurus.  My challenge with this label is it might make you feel wrong for feeling a certain way. If you start feeling sad, then you might say you are feeling a negative emotion. Then you may feel wrong for feeling that way. I want to be very clear. There is nothing wrong with feeling a feeling. There is nothing bad about being sad, upset, angry, or hopeless. Being depressed and suicidal does not mean that you are inherently wrong.

 

Many other people have felt the same way you do and have. Their experiences to cause the emotion may have been different from yours, but the emotions are the same. You are not alone in your feelings. It would make sense for you to feel down if you are stuck in any of the 12 traps. You would feel even worse if you are trapped in many of them. Your feelings can be an effect of what can be going on with your beliefs. Those feelings do not mean anything about you as a person. They don’t mean you are terrible or hopeless. It just means that you have experienced things that made you feel a certain way. That’s all.

 

I believe labels on emotions cause shame and guilt when you are feeling those “negative emotions”. That label tells you it is bad to be feeling a certain way because someone said it is negative. People can label emotions as negative because they are not comfortable with them. It is normal to feel all kinds of emotions. Please do not feel bad, wrong, shame, or any kind of guilt for feeling a certain way. There is nothing wrong with you if you do feel them. The less shame you have about feeling a certain way, the easier it will be to process it and have it stop affecting you.

 

The good news about feelings is that they are not permanent. There have been many people who have been feeling depressed or suicidal and have changed how they feel about their life. I am one of those people. I’ve been in both of those situations several times. Just because you might feel a certain way now does not mean it is going to be forever. It’s just now. It’s more important to not judge yourself.

 

Identifying your feelings

A sneaky part of anxiety it is may be hiding other triggers. You may be anxious, but there are potentially other things you are triggered about. Many people are quick to label themselves as anxious but do not look further than that. This can stop the real issue from being addressed. It can also keep the person stuck in anxiety remedies that do not help the problem.

 

To identify what is going on under anxiety, you need to tap into your feelings. The trigger could be something like feeling like you have no options. You could believe you are unsafe. You might fear something is going to go wrong. Then those fears manifest as anxiety. Tapping into your emotions can provide the answer to feeling even calmer. 

 

A client came to me riddled with anxiety. He felt scattered and like he could not trust himself.  During our work, he realized there are emotions under his anxiety. He found he was feeling unsafe and out of control. He was excited because it explained why he had anxiety. As he learned which of the four parts was having a hard time and how to effectively soothe himself, he began to trust himself more. Then he felt more grounded and present as he understood how to stop being affected by those fears.

 

Getting in touch with your emotions will allow you to understand what is going on with yourself. It’s emotional intelligence at its finest. When you know what’s going on, you can understand what to give to yourself. It’s like going to the doctor when you have a bad cut on your leg. You know where the cut is. With that, the doctor can start cleaning the cut and stitching it up. 

 

When I started my journey, I wanted to stop my emotions from affecting my life. I thought that if I could stop having emotions, they would eventually quit bothering me. The problem was that I could not find a way to stop having emotions. No matter what I did the emotions kept arising. I became dissociated from my feelings. I was so dissociated that when I started trying to name the emotions I felt, I had no clue what that feeling was. I would sit there and think this is a feeling, but clueless as to what it was. I realized that I needed help naming what was going on within. So, I printed out a list of feelings and carried that around with me. When I felt a feeling, I had a guide to help me name it.

 

The feelings list is a fantastic tool for self-diagnosis. When you identify your feelings, you care for yourself. You can also ask the four parts of you how they feel. The different parts can experience different feelings. It is important to see what could be happening under the surface.  


 

Exercise. Write your answers down.

Look at the Feelings Word List

·      What emotions are you feeling right now?

·      What emotions did you feel this morning?

·      What emotions are you feeling when you have anxiety?

·      How does it feel to name your emotions?

·      How are the four parts of you feeling right now?

o   Hint: ask them directly. You may not get an answer at first. Keep asking.

·      Where would an appropriate place for your feelings list be?

·      How often would you like to refer to it?

 

It’s important to note that as you begin naming your emotions, you may not know what to do with the emotion. Learning how to be with your emotions can be uncomfortable. It can also feel unsafe. Many people will try to avoid how they are feeling for the rest of their life. It is too scary for them.

 

Freedom from this trap comes when you become comfortable with your feelings. That means when the feeling arises, you will be unaffected by them. You will know how to tend to yourself so you will not be knocked off your path. When you’re scared and you know how to soothe yourself in a way that makes you feel better. To learn how to do that, start with knowing what you are feeling. Ask yourself once a day how you are feeling. It’s a form of self-prioritization and self-care.

 

Meeting your needs

Effectively comforting yourself means you identify you are feeling off. Then you make yourself feel better with something healthy. It’s like recognizing a storm is coming and making the necessary preparations to keep yourself and the house safe. When you don’t comfort yourself, you leave yourself out in the storm. You get knocked around by the wind, become cold with the rain, and bruised by the hail.

 

If you have never learned how to comfort yourself, you might not know how to emotionally look after yourself. There are lots of people, including myself, who did not know as an adult. However, as an adult, it is your job to see the storms coming. You are responsible for yourself. Other people cannot recognize when you are off and what you need to get better. They do not know your emotional storms. If you hope they will keep you safe from the storm, you may be leaving yourself to the elements. No matter how many “signs” you give or how many hints you drop, you are still leaving yourself exposed to the elements. Only you know what is going on with yourself.

 

By identifying how you are feeling you take one step closer to freedom from anxiety. The next step along that path is to know how to soothe the emotion. With the second step, you will pass your emotional storm with ease. By taking care of yourself, you are looking after yourself. You are showing that you matter. Your anxiety will lessen because you are meeting your needs. The fear and resentment you might have toward others might dissolve.

 

This second step teaches you to see that you need attention and then do something about it. It’s time to improve how you treat yourself. Noticing when an emotional storm and then tending to yourself is an act of self-love.

 

Below are examples of emotional storms:

1.     You become resentful about your partner not taking out the trash

2.     You learn your rental property is not rented and are nervous about not making money that month

3.     Your flight is cancelled

4.     Your cat starts limping, and you are not sure what is wrong

5.     You learn your company is laying off 1000 employees

6.     You did not hear back from the possible job

 

How do I know which part is feeling off?

The different parts have different fears. They also use different languages to express their concerns. Look at what you are having a hard time with right now. Is it future-oriented? Then it may be an intuitive part. Is it saying something about how they feel? Then it is possibly your feeling part. Are they looking for efficiency and things making sense? It could be your thinking part. Is it fearful about what has happened before or what it sees right now? It might be your sensory part.

 

If you are not sure, write down the words you are saying. Look at the words. Ask the voice direct and respectful questions. Try to understand its fears. Journal about what you are triggered about. There is no one way to know which part is having a hard time. Ask the four parts of you directly what they are feeling to understand what is going on within.

 

Exercise. Write your answers down.

·       What emotions is your Adult Self feeling now?

·       What emotions is your Inner Parent feeling right now?

·       What emotions is your 10-year-old inner child feeling right now?

·       What emotions is your 3-year-old inner child feeling now?

·       How did it feel to check in with the four parts of you? If you did not hear anything, it does not mean there is not a part there. They may not trust you yet. Keep asking.

 

A step in soothing the four parts

Your four parts are far more likely to listen to after they have been validated. This is a perfect place to start comforting yourself. How you talk to your four parts matters. Scolding yourself when things go wrong is not direct and respectful communication with yourself. Measuring yourself to a “should” standard is also not direct and respectful communication.

 

When the part is triggered, they do not need belittling, anger, contempt, and ridiculing from you. They are already having a hard time. They are not protected and have a meltdown. The meltdown may be from projecting their fears. They could be scared about something you are doing. They could be thinking something is going on that is not. Even your 10-year-old inner child who thinks it knows best is speaking up for a reason it finds valid. It’s trying to protect you even though you may be frustrated with it. Talk to yourself as you would a little child right next to you. It needs care, consideration, and protection. Softening how you talk to the four parts will upgrade your connection with them massively.

 

Along with comforting words, your four parts may need certain changes to meet their needs. You may need to raise your standards of what you accept from others in a small way. You may need to get angry about what you are experiencing. You may need to ask for a change from someone. You might need to tweak your behavior from the last time you performed a task. Asking your inner children what they need can help identify the change. The later traps will cover how to upgrade your life in those ways. What is important to learn right now is to change how you soothe yourself and begin identifying and meeting your needs.

 

Comforting your four parts within

Seeing an emotional storm rolling in and not doing something about it is not helpful. You are exposing the four parts of you too much. You need to pick yourself up and find shelter. If you leave yourself out in the storm, this can help explain why you experience critical thoughts. Your inner children may be saying they need help, but you are not hearing them. Then they get upset and try to tell you what to do. This is when mental battles can begin. You are not meeting your needs, but you are still exposing yourself to the emotional storm.

 

To make the four parts of you feel better, you need to understand how that part is soothed. The four parts are usually soothed with different activities. That means what they need to feel better may be unique to that part. When a certain part is having a hard time, do something with that part to make it feel better. Try the methods below for your four parts.

 

Intuitive

·       Introverted- Learning new material about an interesting topic. Covering your eyes while laying down comfortably for 30 minutes (letting your thoughts spin). Looking for new patterns.

·       Extraverted- Exploring new ideas. Looking for something it has not done before. Walking in a different route. Finding a new book to read. Think of new ideas.

Sensing                                   

·       Introverted- Doing something enjoyable from your past. Creating a tradition. Remembering fun memories. Looking at old photos. Writing about what you did during your day.

·       Extraverted- Drinking a cup of tea. Moving your body in a new way. Practicing a favorite kind of yoga. Scaling a different route at the climbing gym. Playing volleyball. Setting a new weightlifting goal.

Feeling

·       Introverted- Doing something that feels authentic right now. Do something you enjoy. Explore your feelings. Say no to an obligation.

·       Extraverted- Learning something that can help you understand people better. Connecting with a good friend over something mutually enjoyable. Learning how to set better boundaries.

Thinking

·       Introverted- Completing a puzzle. Playing a game of online backgammon. Organizing your house. Doing something that makes sense to you.

·       Extraverted- Planning something you need help with. Cleaning out a closet. Organizing your pantry. Learning how you can save time by being more efficient at a task. Helping someone become more efficient (ask them if it’s ok first).

 

Soothing different emotions

When you are triggered, thinking rationally can be challenging. Identifying you are triggered then knowing what to do with can be difficult. Below are options to get you started. Different emotions can require different forms of soothing. To make yourself feel calmer you may need to tailor your soothing to the emotion and part.

 

Keep caring for yourself even if it is clumsy. You are learning to recognize that you are having a hard time. Then you are learning how to make yourself feel better. These are advanced steps when you are triggered.

 

Scared-

·       Say something supportive when things are uncertain. Hey dear. I hear you. That sounds scary. Look at when things have been uncertain before. We have gone through something like this already and been fine. Things will be ok.  

·       When you experience a shock in life. Hey love. That was pretty rough. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s ok for things not to make sense. Not everything adds up sometimes. Let’s go do something that does make sense to us. How does that sound?

·       Instead of sitting with fear, do an activity that comforts you like, drinking a cup of tea. Spend 30 minutes doing yoga. Take a warm shower. Go work out. Play an online game of chess. Yes, you are scared and anxious. You can be scared and still do things you enjoy. Learning to give yourself something that feels good to you will help stop that fear cycle.

 

Out of control-

·       When things feel out of control, stop, and breathe. Do the Snake Breathing exercise. Repeat this exercise for five minutes. Exhaling longer than you inhale will tell your body to calm down.

·       Identify all your options with a plan. What are all the different directions that this can go? What are all the things you can do right now?

·       If you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you need a break, take a break. Unplug your phone and lay down for 20 minutes. Even if parts of you think you need to be accomplishing something, keep laying down. Your inner children do not get to dictate your self-care.

·       Identify what you know about the situation. Understand that you cannot know everything. There have also been many times in your life that you have not known and been fine. Make the best decision you can with the information you know right now.

 

Stuck, hopeless, or depressed-

·       Remember that this is just a feeling and that feelings are not how life is always going to be. They are not facts about how your life will be forever. I have felt all ranges of dark emotions and found a way out. Many other people have as well. You are not alone with how you feel. 

·       Understand that no matter how stuck you might feel, there are always options, even if you cannot see them. Hang in there.

·       If you are making assumptions about how someone will act, talk to them directly and respectfully. Gathering more information about their situation can help ease your discomfort.

 

Overthinking

Overthinking can be a sign of anxiety. It can feel like your thoughts are constantly swirling. You may not be able to trust your thoughts. It can feel like a battle between two different parts of you. You may not know which one to believe. One option for you is to tune into what is going on with you and what you need. When you start to overthink and then can’t decide, it is usually a sign that you are triggered about something.

 

A client came to me frustrated about overthinking. She was furniture shopping and felt overwhelmed by all the options in the store. She felt like her mind was on overdrive and she could not sort out her thoughts. She felt like she could not settle on one because of how many different sides her thoughts were showing her. There were so many couches that she could not decide which was one best for her. She asked me what to do in this situation.

 

I told her that furniture shopping can be overwhelming. Before furniture shopping, if she had any idea of what she liked and did not like, that can help filter the options. I asked her the following questions: How big of a couch is she looking for? What price point is she comfortable with? Does she want a sectional? Does she prefer a couch with a recliner? Does she want a matching chair? She does care if it’s leather, corduroy, tweed, or linen? If she has an animal, are there materials that are best for the hair? Researching what she prefers, can help her understand what she needs when she heads to the store. With that information, she felt confident looking for the right couch for her.

 

I talked with another woman who was thinking about opening an ice cream truck. She was interested in this for two purposes. The first was earning extra money for her family. The second was employing her children. She hoped it would teach them customer service and problem-solving skills by working in the truck. However, she was overwhelmed with whether to start the business. She was stuck on whether it would be another bad investment. She was tired of not seeing returns on her investments.

 

I could see that she needed more information on costs and timelines. I told her research would help provide clarity with the decision. She could start by learning how much the permits would cost and how long they would take to acquire. I also said that she could investigate the prices of ice cream trucks. Prices are likely going to differ from renting, buying used, or buying new. Then she could inquire into how much the coolers would cost and maintain. By learning more about the overall price, she felt like she could make a better decision. She still had more information to learn beyond these questions, but this was a step forward rather than sitting in her indecision. After our call, she felt clearer about what she needed to do moving forward. She understood that her fear was holding her hostage. Her remedy to the fear was to gather more information, so she could get a better picture of the potential investment.

 

Exercise. Write your answers down:

·      Why are you overthinking?

·      Could there be anything else under the surface?

·      What emotions are you feeling when you are overthinking?

·      What is the worst part about that?

·      What would you say to a 10-year-old child next to you who is struggling to decide something?

·      What would you say to a 3-year-old child next to you who is struggling to decide something? This will require different words than how you would talk to a 10-year-old child.

·      What do you need when you are overthinking?

 

Learning more information about what you might need to decide can help quiet the overthinking part of you. It can help you feel more confident about what you might need going forward. Trying to make decisions out of fear, or your inner children’s fear can explain why you cannot decide. There may be too much information that you do not yet know. This can be frightening. If you find yourself overthinking a decision. Slow down and gather more information. What other information do you need? As you break decisions down, they can become less stressful and more manageable.

 

When you are free of this trap

As a person, you are guaranteed to have emotions. They can come at any point and be triggered by anything. By tapping into your breath, how you are feeling, and what you need, you can become calmer. You can allow your emotional storms to come and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. You will know how to deal with your challenging emotions and understand how to put yourself first.

 

When you learn how to healthily self-soothe, anxiety will stop being a constant part of your life. You will recognize when you are feeling off. You will either ask your inner children what they need. You will know how to soothe yourself. You will feel your emotions and know you can sit in them. You understand it’s okay to not be okay. Your body will become calmer as you are less triggered.

 

Your emotions will be like music playing in the background. You can hear the music and still focus on other tasks. You know the music is there but are not distracted by it. This work allows you to feel your feelings and still have control over your life. Then you will find the freedom that comes with being comfortable with your emotions.

0 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page