This is a chapter written from my book. It's a process of how to stop believing this.
You may assume that life will continue to repeat, no matter how much you want things to change. You may look to your past to tell you how things will be moving forward. You may believe things will always be how they were in the past. You may see that things have not gone well in the past and expect that to continue.
This first trap can feel daunting. It tells you that you cannot change. It says that the past will always show up in the future. You may be skeptical of possibilities because of how you’ve been let down before. This trap tells you it’s nearly impossible to be happy when your past did not go well. You may believe you don’t have control over your future. It wants you to look to previous experiences and believe you will have similar outcomes now.
When good things come your way, you may look to the past and say oh that will never happen. Your past experiences are telling you that it will fall through. My ex-partner never shared what she was feeling, so this person will do the same. Nothing will come of this trip because the last one was so bad. Owning real estate is bad because of those two I owned when I was younger. These thoughts can be hard to catch because they may be so natural for you to think.
When you are having a hard time, you can feel things will never change. This can make life exceptionally challenging. You might see other people accomplish things, yet you stand in the same place. It can feel like no matter what you do, you have no influence over your life. This can feel like a weight that does not let you move forward.
If you have thought this lie for a long time, it makes sense if you are unhappy or depressed. You may find yourself accepting whatever comes your way and just take life as it is. You likely don’t have a fighting spirit for what you want because you don’t believe you can attain it. You may believe you are at the receiving end of the world.
Will things ever change?
I wish I could promise that your life will be fixed by next week. If I could hand you a magic wand to transform your situation, I would. However, neither of those situations are realistic. I’m not going to tell you to believe your situation is fine when it is not.
What I do know is how you feel will affect your situation. If you believe there are no options, then you won’t see any. If you do not trust your life to improve, then your inner children will probably question and sabotage positive changes. Let’s teach you how to deal with some of these disruptive feelings, so you can see your situation objectively. Otherwise, you may be gathering biased information and making bad decisions with it.
Can things get better?
Someone who was in a deep depression asked me “when will things get better?”. I told her that things will get better as you make consistent and small steps toward what you want. Your life will not be fixed in a day. It won’t be changed by the end of the month. However, if you can implement small consistent changes things will start to get better. Consistent changes are signs that you prioritize yourself. They also teach you how to not slip back to the same degree. Then you may start to feel better. Even seeing some changes can make a world of difference
Your inner children may be wanting to get out of the situation now. While they may be uncomfortable with your situation, this is an unrealistic demand they are making. They may be looking for quick fixes that do not work. Then they may get frustrated with not seeing any results. Learning how to soothe their discomfort can ease the pressure on your life. It can also make changes faster and easier as there is less inner turmoil.
Exercise. Write your answers down:
· This is an exercise from Merja Sumiloff. Sit at a table with the four parts of you. Assign each of the four parts a seat. Begin in the Adult Self chair and ask each of the four parts how they feel about your life not changing. Answer the question as your Adult Self. Then move to the Inner Parent. Answer as that part of you. Then sit in the 10-year-old inner child chair. Answer as that part of you. Move to the 3-year-old inner child spot and answer as that part of you.
· How did the four parts feel after this exercise?
· Did you learn anything?
· Would this exercise be helpful again? If so, mark it on your calendar.
What are your options when you think things will never change?
To outgrow this trap, you need to realize that you have options, even if you do not see any. If you know there are options, you will be open to identifying them. If you think there is nothing you can do, then you may miss helpful things for you. This closes you down and keeps you stuck in believing that things will not change. One way to identify options is to use your subconscious. You can write “I’m learning how to recognize my options” to help this process.
One of your options is to do nothing about these thoughts. You do not have to do anything about when you feel like your life cannot change. You can continue to think these thoughts and believe you have no power over your life. Many people choose this option. This option may have felt right for you in the past. It may be right for you now.
Another option is to blame the person who put you in your situation. You may think that you cannot change because of all that the person has done to you. This can make you feel a sense of power from feeling at the mercy of someone else. You may be comfortable in this position of feeling like a victim. Neither of these options is going to bring feelings of freedom, authenticity, and happiness. However, they are options that you have. Whether you want to choose them or not is another matter.
Life will change as you change
As you alter your behavior you will get different results. That means as you do things differently your past will have to look different from your future. That is because you are causing it to be that way. If you want your life to be the same as your past, keep doing the same things. Keep the same beliefs. Do not try new things. Do not learn. Keep yourself stuck.
You have the power to change because you are changing. It’s all up to you. It’s not up to powers outside of you, like other people, a higher power, or a previous partner. If you are afraid that your life will always be like how it was in the past, then look to see the kind of person you were then. What did you dress like? How did you talk? Have you learned anything since then?
As you change, you can understand that you will naturally change. You may hire help to change faster. Having the right mentor can help your life change faster. You may need help during certain times of your life, or you may have the help for the rest of your life. I am someone who will always have a mentor because they help me stay focused. I don’t like being caught in my traps. I choose to keep a mentor by my side to help me find personal and professional freedom.
Looking at your past for more information
Gathering unbiased information from your past is one way to understand more about your current situation. When you are feeling down, it’s easy to only notice bad things happening. It’s a bias you put on your life with this trap. You may miss someone complimenting you. You may not notice receiving a raise if you are challenged with something significant. You may forget that you have experienced challenging seasons in your life before.
On top of missing what you have experienced thus far, you may be forgetting what you have learned and adjusted to already. You have learned how to read. You have learned how to use technology. You have learned how to adjust and implement the changes in technology. These are not easy for someone who knows nothing about technology. You have mastered many other things that you thought were difficult at the time. That is a lot of managing changes. If you do not remember the struggle while learning and adjusting, you probably have forgotten how challenging certain things can be.
As everyone has difficult times in their life, it’s also important to remember that you have probably experienced challenging stretches in your past. Life is not always easy. If you think about your past, you may have experienced loss, grief, being let down, and having your heartbroken. Although your challenges from your past may be different from where you are now, you may have felt similar feelings. You may have felt alone, lost, confused, hurt, stuck, betrayed, and hopeless. Even remembering that you have felt the same can help ease what you are experiencing now.
Exercise. Write your answers down:
· What good things have happened in your past?
· What have I already accomplished?
· What challenging things have I overcome?
· What was I likely feeling during those times?
· Is there any possibility that I’m not the only one in the world who is feeling this way?
When you start feeling down, it’s important to reflect on what you have done in your past. These ways of examining how your life is different can help think about things differently. Life is always changing. It’s guaranteed. Remember that although it feels like it will never change, it might not be a fact about what is happening right now.
What if I cannot see any options?
There are times when you feel completely stuck and like you do not have any options. You may feel powerless and like the world is against you. You may believe that you must be at the mercy of life. When you feel like you are stuck in a corner it can get depressing. You may have little happiness and not feel like yourself.
Just because you do not see any options right now does not mean that there are none. Often feelings can keep you stuck in this trap because they can sound like facts. You can feel like there are no options for you. You can feel alone with your problem. Realistically there are always options however, you might not be able to see them yet. If you cannot see possibilities, then it can make sense that you feel hopeless. Feelings can make this trap seem real. Be careful about what you assume. If you say, “I feel like I’m not going to get a raise”, then that feeling is tripping you up. You are using the feeling to believe something.
Thoughts can similarly trip you up. You can believe the wrong facts that keep you stuck. You can put too much weight on your understanding which can lead you down a bad path. Remember that just because you think something is going to happen, it might not be the case. You may not be able to create a plan about what you are frustrated with. You may have missed facts or forgotten to check in with something. However, it does not mean that life is never going to work for you. If you allow the possibility that you might be wrong when you know that life is working against you, it can help to lessen the certainty of the thinking part of you.
Exercise. Write your answers down:
· What do you feel stuck with right now?
· What do you feel like things will not change?
· Has anything changed around what you felt in the past?
· What do you need to learn to become unstuck?
· What have you not thought of yet?
· What assumptions are you making right now?
How do you comfort the four parts of you?
Knowing how to comfort these different parts can help you feel better. Knowing what to say can help the part feel understood. It may even lessen their struggle. When you hear this voice, which of your four parts is having a hard time? If you are not sure, stay open to the answer. Sometimes it takes time for the part to be recognized. The next examples are ways to talk to the different parts. Repeat these or use your own. The uncomfortable part needs to hear what resonates with them. They may need to hear these up to 30 times to relax.
Intuition
· Introverted intuition can get stuck in knowing the scary thing it sees will happen. “Hey, sweetheart. That is certainly one thing that can happen. Just because you see that does not mean that that is how life is going to be. What other possibilities can you see?” Look for what else can happen.
· Extraverted intuition can get caught in seeing all the things that can go wrong without knowing how to stop. “Hi, love. It’s great that you can see all the options right now. It’s a great strength. We are going to focus on what is happening right now though. Those ideas may occur but it’s important to remember to stay grounded in what is happening right now.” Stay present and do something to ground yourself in the moment like yoga, running, and breathwork.
Sensing
· Introverted sensing can sabotage themselves by believing their previous bad experiences show how the future will be. “Hi dear. That is absolutely what happened in the past. However, look at all the things you are doing differently. As we do things differently, we get different results.” Then look at how life is different now than in the past.
· Extraverted sensing can assume what it is sensing right now is a sign of something bad. “Hey little one. I hear that you are feeling that right now. I’m so sorry that you are having to experience that. Although things have gone wrong before, let’s see how this may be different from what you are sensing.” Then point out how life is different now.
Feeling
· Introverted feeling can believe feelings over facts. “Hi mate. I understand you are feeling that way. Feelings are very real sometimes. However, have your feelings ever changed before about something? Could it be you are scared about something?” Look for how your feelings changed before.
· Extraverted feeling can be overly confident about how it knows other people will react. “Hi, friend. I hear you that you believe people will react that way. You are good at reading people. However, we do not know how that person will react unless we ask them directly and respectfully. It may be scary, but we can do this. How does that sound?” Learning how to express how you feel and what you need can help understand people better.
Thinking
· Introverted thinking may believe it knows something is going to go bad. It may do so without asking other people or checking facts. “Hey, darling- I hear you that you think you know the solution. You are so smart in so many ways. Have you considered the other things that can happen? Could there be any way that you are wrong about this?” Learning how to ask this part questions about what it is missing will help dissolve its certainty. This can help it become more of a team player.
· Extraverted thinking can believe life will finally get better when it accomplishes certain tasks. “Hi, buddy. I hear that you think if these things get done that life will become easier. When you do that, you are forgetting about what our needs are currently. We need to focus on ourselves and make sure we are happy while we work on reaching that goal. How does that sound?” Then focus on how to keep yourself balanced while being productive.
Could this thought be a sign of how you are feeling?
If you are having a hard time, it’s the perfect time to start thinking that things will never change. Understandably, you believe this if life is challenging. When you are happy, the thought might not be there as much because it does not match how you feel. There may be something to how you are feeling to resonate with the thoughts. It may be your environment that is activating the voice.
I believe these thoughts might be a sign that you are having a hard time. Sometimes your thoughts show that you are feeling a certain way. It might not mean these thoughts are how life is going to be. It just may mean that you’re struggling and unhappy. It could be a voice that is implying that you need some help.
If you make the transition from recognizing that it may just be a sign of how you are feeling, it removes the power of the voice. What you are thinking becomes less daunting and more of a call to action. This transition may take time if you are new to recognizing your thoughts, but you can get there with practice. Understanding that your thoughts are not all that there is to life can help you understand yourself better. This can help find freedom from those scary thoughts.
Exercises. Write these answers down:
· When are you feeling like your life will never change?
· What emotions are you feeling?
· Did something bad happen?
· If so, how did it affect you?
· How long have you been feeling like things will never change?
· Are you unhappy with your life?
· Is there anything you might be afraid of?
· Are you thinking these thoughts when life goes well?
Are you in or out of the mess?
As you make progress, you may wonder when I will get fully out of it. You might enjoy the freedom and space to be you, only to be bogged down by another thing going wrong. This thought can happen when you expect yourself to either be fixed or a mess. When you assume this about life, you are expecting life’s messiness to be in black or white terms. Your life will never float into a happy abyss where everything is fixed forever. It is something your inner children might expect, but it’s not realistic.
To find the middle ground, you need to learn how to be comfortable standing in both worlds. Just because your life is a wreck in certain areas, that does not mean your entire life is doomed. It might feel like it, but that messy area is possibly only a portion of your life. Yes, life might have been terrible. Yes, it might have been hard for a long time. I hear you about that. However, those challenges may not dictate the other areas of your life. You get to decide to stand in the mess and still find certain areas of happiness. That is an option you have over your life, even if it might not feel like it right now. You can choose to not let the hard seasons keep you trapped forever.
Has anyone else made you feel like this?
A possibility with this lie is that someone from your past made you feel like you could not get out from under them. You may be bringing this feeling from the past into your life now. For example, if you had a mother who didn’t give you any options, you may have felt suffocated by her. You may have felt like you could not get away. If this is stored in your subconscious, when you have a hard time, you may feel suffocated. If you are blind to this, you may be unaware of this feeling. You may believe that it’s the situation that is making you feel like you are stuck when it was your mother. This is an example of projecting.
If you find yourself thinking “life will always keep me down” and it was a person who made you feel suffocated, remember that it was the person. As you turn the frustration onto the person, that is where the pain is transformed. This allows you to let go of the pain. You are allowing the right people to be responsible for the pain, then you can express how you feel about it. Then after the pain has been expressed, you can naturally move on.
Exercises:
1. Has anyone made you feel like you did not have options before?
2. What emotions did it make you feel?
3. How often did you feel trapped?
4. What was the worst part about that?
5. What would you say to that person now?
After you’ve broken this lie:
After you have broken free from this lie, you will understand that you are not ever fully powerless. You know you have good things happening even when life becomes challenging. When your subconscious drops another memory to heal, you can understand it’s part of the process. You will understand its importance, grieve it, and move on.
When you start to see yourself questioning if you will ever be free from your past, you’ll recognize it’s a feeling and not a fact. Feelings can change. You can understand you may not know everything. You’ll recognize you are having a hard time. You know how to comfort yourself. You remember you have options, even if you cannot see them. You understand that it may be a rough season but is not all that there is.
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