two guaranteed ways to stay stuck and far from freedom
Updated: Apr 21
Becoming unstuck from what is holding you back can be so challenging. There are traps that can keep you in the process longer than you need to be. It's easy to fall into these two traps. They can prolong the misery of the blocks. Understanding how to navigate these traps will save you time and energy in the future. So let's get going.
Number one: You don't take any steps forward.
To remove these blocks, you need to do things differently. If you keep doing the same thing, you'll get the same results. To have a different life you need to do different things. Remembering to achieve different results you must do things differently from your end. Continuing to behave the same way and expecting a new result will not get you anywhere.
Just learning about the process is where a lot of people get stuck. They keep learning and learning while not doing something different. So yes, reading books will help you learn more about Trauma. That's important. But to stop the blocks from dominating your life you need to do something with the information. You need to incorporate how to get out of it, not just understand more about it.
For example, learning how to implement healthy boundaries is important. You might know how to do it. Just say no. You can understand that. Actually voicing how you are tired and need some time alone with your partner, children, or coworkers is another thing. It might be terrifying because it's making you step out of your comfort zone. But getting out of your comfort zone in a way that isn't going to make your friends and family members want to still be around you is part of the healing process because it means you are taking steps forward to a better you. That's where the real change is.
Number two: You don't have accountability for your change.
Making those life changes can be tough for you. You might not know how, procrastinate, get distracted, or let the fear overwhelm you. This is where an accountability partner comes in. They are someone you answer to whether you changed or not. It's one way to keep you implementing the changes you need to make to have the life you want.
If you are afraid or nervous about saying no to your father, it's going to be easy to get swept away with excuses for it not happening. The dog might get sick. Maybe your boss will ask you to take on another job or your kids start another school activity. Life can certainly get in the way. Then it's six months later and you're still doing the same things and making the same mistakes. It's natural to procrastinate in changing your behavior. It's one way we deal with the fear of stretching ourselves. Just get busy with other things. I've done this. I know many other people who have done this as well.
You could have a grandparent, member of your church, group of peers, or a mentor to talk about the changes you want to make. This could help massively with your growth. I recommend having someone check in on your changes once every other week or month. Then make sure they follow through with that. This can help you step out of your comfort zone. Telling that accountability person "no I didn't do what I was going to do" is not the easiest thing. That's what they are there for.
Changes are scary. It's not easy to try healthier behavior that stretches you beyond where you are comfortable right now. It can force different parts of you who feel safe in Trauma to freak out as you are moving into a better place. These different parts of you feel safe with what they know right now, even if it's making you incredibly unhappy and/or continuing the cycle of Trauma. You might have loads of fears about better behavior. That's where accountability comes into play. It keeps these fearful parts of you from controlling your life You might have loads of fears about if they will like you after the change. I've been there many times and can attest to how real that fear is.
You deserve to make yourself happy. You are worthy of having your needs met. Having an accountability partner to help you with this can amplify your growth. Think about it. How did changing yourself go when you were trying to do that on your own? Did you see any changes in your life? When you have real change within yourself, life will change for you. You'll sit back and ask "where is this coming from"? If you're like me, not having an accountability partner probably kept those changes from happening. So you know what it's like without someone to answer to with your growth.
So those are the two ways to keep you stuck. You break free by applying what you've learned, even if it feels scary. Plus having someone keep pushing you out of your comfort zone. It might take time to find the right person, but be clear on what you're looking for. An accountability partner is one way to prioritize yourself and show yourself you are important. You've got this.